The Ol' Singin' Days...

Sitting bored in my room today, I began to reminisce on my old performing days. In high school, my best friend Shelly Kennedy and I used to sing in country music shows almost every Saturday at the Wylie Opry. While I have never been completely thrilled with country music and its, for the most part, "I lost my girlfriend/dog/truck" repetitiveness, there were a few women artists whom I loved... usually for the fact that I loved their don't-care-'bout-nothin' attitudes and aspired to live my life in a carefree way as well.
Basically, this whole "show" was done in a little building in downtown Wylie, Texas. It was local performers who would sing with a band in front of a mostly over the age of 60, mostly blue-haired, audience and make a fair amount of money in tips while doing so. The first time Shelly and I ever watched one of the shows, there was a woman performing who almost made me turn around and run in the other direction. She was probably in her late 40's, early 50's, dressed in a long black muumuu-type dress, with frizzy, poorly dyed hair all array, and belting her heart out to an older Shania Twain song. Poor woman couldn't carry a tune in a bucket. The thought soon crossed my mind that this woman probably thought she was a good singer, just like I had always thought of myself to be. Contrary to this woman's assumed thoughts, the crowd formed their own opinion.... opinions which Shelly and I could hear being spoken aloud behind us.
"That poor woman. She must not be able to hear herself."
"Obviously. I'm going to tip her just because I feel bad."
"Yeah. Me too. Maybe we can pay her to get off the stage."
The next weekend, when Shelly and I were to sing in our first official Wylie Opry performance, that woman crossed my mind. Right as I was about to nervously force myself onto the small, hot stage, I realized I may not be able to sing as great as I've always thought I could. What if the crowd starts whispering about me? What if my tips are pity tips?! Unfortunately, there was no backing out now...
"And now one of our new first-timers! Please welcome to the stage, Taylor Strenger!"
Damn.
I don't remember at all what happened after I came out from behind the curtain, but Shelly's family showed me the video. I walked out with the most pained expression on my face, looking like a cross between nauseousness and squinting. What came next surprised me, and I wish I could remember what I was thinking. The band starts up, and my face completely changes. It was as if someone flipped a switch in my brain and I owned that stage. Belting out a less-twangy version of Miranda Lambert's "Kerosene", it looked like that person on the stage had been doing this her entire life. I could barely make the connection that it was me.
I do remember, however, when my songs were over and it was time for me to leave the stage, I collected my tips and walked backstage. If these were pity tips, they must have felt EXTREMELY sorry for me. I couldn't understand how people were so generous and all I did was enjoy myself (maybe?) onstage. Shelly had the same reaction. She was amazing, as always, and we sat backstage after the show gushing about how much we felt like celebrities. I loved those Saturday nights with her and I wish there was a way to re-live that. Coming to Abilene, there isn't anything like that... save from karaoke at the bars. No thank you.
Really, I was just thinking that if I had as much confidence about myself like I did in that video of my first time onstage, my life would be easy. I would kill to remember that moment and learn whatever was going on in my mind that night. Doing those shows always made me so happy, and the faded pictures from those days still adorn my walls. If only...

WHY ME?!

What a weekend. I've had bad days before, but this was almost more than I could bear. That whole "bad things come in threes" bit? I'm currently waiting on the third plague to hit. If you know me, you know that my boyfriend and I went our separate ways Saturday evening. Monday morning, I was let go from one of my jobs. What's next?
The way I see it, this is a change for the better. I have always anxiously awaited the day that I could go back to Dallas and live closer to my family. This whole "country" thing is not my style. I am a city girl through and through, the only thing I really enjoy as far as the city of Abilene goes, is fishing- without having to touch the fish, of course. I mean come on, gross. I have my friends whom I will miss dearly, but have extended the invitation to come visit and stay with me whenever they, too, needed a break from the nothingness of Taylor County. 
As far as the breakup goes, I will survive. I am amazed at my strength, considering the fact that I had previously predicted a nasty meltdown. I am still somber, yet I know there is something bigger and better waiting for me out there. I saw this quote today and it inspired a whole new feeling for me:
I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
— Marilyn Monroe
I know what I want in life and I know there is someone out there that wants the same. It's a simple request: LOVE ME. I am known for pouring my everything into a relationship and loving with all I have. I just want someone who will do the same for me. My mom says the best relationships are always right there under your nose where you would be least likely to look. So here I sit, ready for the next adventure in my life. Taking it slow, but anticipating the day when I meet my perfect match.


He IS out there, right?? ;)

oh, to be four years old again...

I recently read a book called "Heaven Is For Real" by Todd Burpo. It's the true story of his four year old son who was stricken with appendicitis and had emergency surgery to remove his appendix and clean out his insides from the damage of the rupture. During surgery, Colton (the four year old) claims to have left his body and visited Heaven, bringing back colorful pictures of what he saw and who he met along his journey. The story is very inspiring, and the claims he made really rock you to the core. It's a true story, and the author can honestly back that up. How many four year olds know what their father's father looked like when he was in his youth? Colton does, because he met "Pop" while he was in heaven.

The quote that stood out to me the most in the book was this;

"What is childlike humility? It's not the lack of intelligence, but the lack of guile. The lack of an agenda. It's that precious, fleeting time before we have accumulated enough pride or position to care what other people might think. The same un-self-conscious honesty that enables a three-year-old to splash joyfully in a rain puddle, or tumble laughing in the grass with a puppy, or point out loudly that you have a booger hanging out of your nose, is what is required to enter heaven. It is the opposite of ignorance- it is intellectual honesty: to be willing to accept reality and to call things what they are even when it is hard."

I really wish I could go back to my childhood and return as an adult with that same honesty. All too often I find myself worrying about what others think, not fully throwing myself into activities because I am worried about how "stupid I will look". And about that whole "accepting reality" thing... I struggle daily with this one. Whether it's paying my student loans, bills, relationships, health, really anything at all, I have a hard time accepting the reality of the things that I go through. I would love to just put everything on hold and run away for a while, but that's not reality. I can't just have my mom put my friends in timeout when they make me upset and then when they return it's like nothing happened... that childlike honesty and playfulness without regard to others is a dream I would do anything to make a reality.
Really this was a great book. Makes your mind wander and question even deeper your beliefs of heaven and the afterlife and what really is waiting for us "up there". I highly recommend it!

My sisters and I when we were little...

Jenna, Me and Morgan

what? i'm posting? the world must be ending...

I know, I know. It's been a while. Almost a year! I guess I just got tired of reading all my friend's cute blogs and feeling bad for not writing that I finally made myself do it... thanks, Katie :)

I just feel like ranting a little about my car. I had the same one since I very first got a car, and it finally kicked the bucket over christmas break... it was a sad occasion. My dad helped me out and bought me a new one that weekend so that I could get back to work the day I was supposed to. It wasn't new.... just new to me :) It is a 1997 Nissan 200sx and it sounded so fancy over the phone. Nope. Not fancy. Unless you call rolling the window halfway down and then pushing it the rest of the way down "fancy". I had it for a month, and then wham... it won't start. I was told by a coworker that he could fix it, and turns out he couldn't. Now I have to figure out a way to get a mechanic to come to my house and look at it there... which means I will have to pay to tow it to a shop. YIKES. I am too broke for this.

They should make coupons for things like this for college students.